Some time ago, this site bestowed a weekly honor called Hero of the Week. This hallowed institution ebbed and flowed as the tide, sometimes lasting for as many as two or three consecutive weeks before we got bored and forgot about it.  Past honorees include such varied luminaries as Joey Chestnut, Cornelius “K-9″ Bundrage . . . and probably some other people too.  Keifer Sutherland probably got a mention.  And Mick Foley.  Emil Brown.  You get the idea.

Hero of the Week has lain dormant for some time, but recent events have made its resurrection imperative.  Nay, compulsory.  Given the infrequency of its appearance here, this week’s Hero of the Week may be more accurately referred to as Hero of the Month, Hero of the Year, or (perhaps most accurately) Hero of July ‘06 through October ‘08.  I’d be nervous about conferring such a distinction upon a lesser man, but the present honoree’s achievements have declared him more than worthy of ruling over a 27-month period.

He has dominated the news cycle as of late, so rather than fail to adequately praise his glory with my inadequate verbal stylings, I will rather merely say that it is my distinct and esstatic pleasure to present to you CurveBall City’s Hero of the Week: Mr. Joe “Country Joe” “Cupcakes” “Possibly the Deli Guy at Safeway” Blanton.

We are all witnesses.

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Howdy yall, and welcome to this weeks apostrophe-free (server issues – please dont judge me) edition of Hero of the Week! (Everyone is pronouncing this correctly, right? With an extend “eee” sound on “Hero,” followed by a slight pause, with another, somehow even more dramatic pause after “of,” and capped off by a booming “Weeeek!!!!” that sounds like Darth Vader trapped in an echo chamber? Good. Lets move on.)

Im not going to lie to you – this weeks Hero of the Week was not my choice. It actually stemmed from Jeff calling me and instigating the following conversation:

JEFF: Hey, I know who this weeks Hero of the Week should be.

ME: How dare you? How dare you?! I, and I alone, determine the Hero of the Week!! It is at my discretion and my will that the Hero of the Week be dubbed!! I will brook no insubordination from one so lowly as you!!

JEFF: (meekly) I know. I apologize for ever daring to suggest otherwise. I am pathetic.

ME: And whats more, how dare you name yourself the Mayor of Curveball City without my consent!! As if you could suddenly claim such a lofty title for yourself by no more than accessing the “Signature” function on Hotmail!!

JEFF: (also meekly) Yes. I am incredibly lame.

SEAN: I have spoken!!

And then he went on to make a pretty solid argument. So consequently, I present to you this weeks Hero of the Week: Cornelius “K9” Bundrage!!

To which most of you are most likely responding with a hearty, “Who?” To which I in turn respond with 1) get used to it. Odds are thats going to be a pretty standard reaction to the Hero of the Week. And 2), whatever you were doing on Tuesday night between the hours of 10 and midnight Eastern Standard Time, trust me, you wasted your time. Because you should have been watching The Contender, undisputed champion of no less that two coveted titles, namely: “The Best Reality Show on Television,” and “Pretty Much the Only Reality Show That Sean Can Watch without Hurling His TV into the Deep Dark Ocean Depths.” Its captivating, its exciting, and its produced (executively) by Sylvester Stallone. It is quite possibly the perfect show. (Read the article)

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How’s about this for a new weekly feature – Hero of the Week! This works well for two reasons: 1) it gives to a chance to recognize stellar individuals and events week in and week out, and 2) putting it at the end of the week means that something big can happen without me writing about for six days straight and it still looks like I’m on the ball. So, without further ado, I present to you the first-ever Hero of the Week: Joey Chestnut!

This man took on the impossible. He lassoed a tornado, parted the Red Sea, pulled the thunder from the skies and directed Jimmy Fallon in a watchable performance all at once. On July 4^th, on the 230^th anniversary of the birth of our nation, Joey Chestnut set out to single-handedly return the United States of America to its birthright atop the nations of the earth, and . . . failed. But he came dang close! Joey Chestnut came within two hot dogs of dethroning Takeru Kobayashi, six-time champion of the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and quite possibly the most dominant athlete of this or any other era. No, Joey didn’t take home the mustard-yellow belt, but he came closer than anyone ever has since Kobayashi’s reign began in 2001. His 52 hot dogs in 12 minutes set an American record, a record which goes on the shelf right next to the world records he already holds in pork ribs, waffles, and buffalo wings. And bear in mind that he’s accomplished all of this in less than two years of competition! No other athlete in history has been able to rise to such levels of dominance in such a short measure of time. The previous American record, set last year by Sonya “Black Widow Thomas, was 37. Joey beat it by 15 hot dogs! That’s an additional 1 ¼ hot dogs per minute! He beat his own performance last year by 20 hot dogs! No, San Jose, California’s favorite son didn’t bring the title back to the States this year, but trust me – he’ll be back next year.
And now for the rest. Joey may have out-manned just about everyone else on the planet this week, but it still seemed like a shame to neglect so many other worthy candidates with nary a mention of their memorable feats. So, without further ado . . . again . . . I present to you the Runners-up! (Read the article)

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