No, I couldn’t find any photos of Brother Parker in green and gold, but soon . . .

Y’know, this historic run of starting pitching in Oakland has almost made forget that this whole thing came on the heels of the historically bad Oakland offense flushing away the last dregs of a competitive season over the course of a single week in Kansas City and Minnesota.  But hey, we weren’t supposed to win this year anyway, right?

At least that’s what I keep telling myself.  Because when I believe that, it’s a lot easier to get happy about things like our 22-year-old Cy Young candidate, or our fresh-out-of-the-draft Michael Choice ripping it up in Single A.  The present is iffy and temperamental, but the future is pleasant and eminently likeable.

And no aspect of it more so than this: I was half-joking when I declared American Fork veteran, Brigham Young alumnus and Oakland 5th round draft pick Stephen Parker to be our “Mormon Third Base Savior,” but the more he plays, the less of a joke it becomes.  Thus far in the season, Brother Parker has a .388 on-base percentage and a .505 slugging percentage.  Those are All-Star-in-the-making numbers, folks.

Sure, he won’t be in Oakland for another two years minimum, and minor league numbers are predictive of a big league career like American Fork is a lovely vacation spot, but hey: the future!  And for the first time in a while, it’s not looking quite so far away.

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My son is 8 days old, and he is Mike Tyson (before he went all crazy-towny).  He is Tiger Woods (before he went all public-philandery).  He is Roger Clemens (before he went all performance-enhancey, country-singer statutory-rapey, litigationy and generally creep showy).  He is the competitor that is so dominant, he has his opponent beat before the poor sucker ever sets foot on the field.

And I am my son’s opponent.  Last night the boy was fast asleep at 10 p.m., an hour when he is generally wide awake and squirmy after a tough day of sleep, eating and diaper changes (which he also sleeps through).  This was my big chance to get a few hours of sleep and sneak a win on the undisputed champion that is my infant son.

But I didn’t.  He had me so psyched out that I didn’t sleep a wink.  I kept waiting for the piercing shriek that means either “I’m hungry,” “I’m scared,” I’m need my diaper changed,”  “What parent could in good conscience dress their son in baby lamb jammies?” “Nothing really, just wanted to make sure you remembered that I’m still in charge,” or any degree of etc.  And I was still awake when it finally came, about four hours after I first laid down to try to get some sleep.  Another first-round KO for Tyson.

(Read the article)

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  Sure.  Why not?  (Link)

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This is Jaden Smith, star of the new Karate Kid movie.  The Karate Kid is the story of a young American boy who moves from Detroit to Beijing and falls afoul of a group of bullies who also happen to be evil kung fu masters.  Despite his total lack of prior experience, after just a few weeks of training he beats them all down like so many red-headed stepchildren in the big kung fu tournament.  And then he takes their woman.  (RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT!)

The lesson of this movie, as every other lesson life has taught us for the last 250 years or so?  AMERICA IS BETTER AT EVERYTHING THAN EVERYBODY.  AND IF YOU BEAT US AT ANYTHING, IT’S ONLY BECAUSE WE WEREN’T REALLY TRYING.

Just remember that, England. 

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Earlier this morning, the following comment appeared on last night’s post:

Chris

May 10th, 2010 | 8:59 am

Guys – everyday on SportsNation we name a site we like, and after Dallas’ big day yesterday you’re our big winner. We air at 4pm & midnight ET on ESPN2, so feel free to tell your readers.

Three possibilities emerge:

(1) This is an elaborate rib pulled by one of my less compassionate buddies, who will soon be lucky to have feeling left in any of his toes after the beating I administer.

(2) This is legit.

(3) This is an elaborate rib pulled by Colin Cowherd, who’s clued in to some of the less complimentary things I may or may not have said about his radio show in the past.

Sadly enough, each of these possibilities excites me. 

So whether to witness our grandest (if fleeting) moment of fame yet, or to wallow in the bitter dregs of disappointment yet, please tune in at the applicable time to watch SportsNation on ESPN2 today, hosted by Michelle Beadle and Colin Cowherd, greatest radio host and sports expert in the history of mankind. 

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